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The endless in-between

"I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream—past the wit of man to say what dream it was. Man is but an ass if he go about to expound this dream. Methought I was—there is no man can tell what. Methought I was, and methought I had—but man is but a patched fool if he will offer to say what methought I had. The eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen, man’s hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report what my dream was."  Bottom's Dream (I got to say that! and be him!)

When I decided to become an actor, I was 13 years old.  I played Huck Finn is "Tom Sawyer" because a friend of my parents, David Long, who was a teacher my parents knew thought I should audition.

I was going through a rough time.  My Papa (my grandfather who I worshipped) had died, I gave up on my baseball dreams because although I was a crackerjack infielder and baserunner, I just couldn't hit.  Because I was going through emotional turmoil, I also was having trouble with my friends.  You know how those teenage years can be.  And I found myself on the outside of the group for the first time.

I think David took pity on me.  He liked my parents, and knew I was going through a rough patch.  I'm pretty sure that's why he cast me as Huck.  Or maybe it was because I was so damn cute.  I mean, you wouldn't know it to look at me now, but I was a killer at 13!

David became a mentor to me, and most of my group of friends.  He was that wise older dude, who was artistic, but still down to earth.  Who treated smart kids with a higher respect than dumb adults.  He played D&D with us!  David changed my life in so many ways.  He brought me back to my group of friends and showed me theatre.   I had a blast in my first play!  That's the hook!  It's like a drug...you always chase that first time.  (hopefully not...hopefully it just was enough to get you hooked, but your best times are ahead).

And I never left the theatre since.  I found out that David had died during a really dark period in my life.  My first marriage was falling apart, I had lost a kidney and I spent my nights contemplating killing myself.  My friend Craig called me up on New Year's eve 1996 and let me know David was dead.  In that moment, I decided to move from Seattle to LA.  I was going to start a new life.  

Feb. 1st, 1997 is when I moved onto my friend Ed's floor while I got a job and an apartment.  I didn't know if I would act or find my people here. But, of course I did.  And I found them in the same place.  My happy place.  And I climbed out of my depression and built a life...slowly.  Sometimes I slip back into depression.  But I have always been able to find my way out through theatre.

In the 40 years since being Huckleberry, I've never taken more than a couple of months off. And that was to finish up my Undergrad so I could go to Grad School to act more...and better!  Last year I wrote about the "in-between."  That fleeting period when I was without a project and how depressing I found it, and myself.  

See, I've never really liked myself...except when I was onstage or in a rehearsal hall.  As I look back at my life, there isn't a Patrick looking back at me that I like or even respect...except that Patrick working on a script or with a group of actors onstage.  

The in-between is now just life.  The age of Corona (and not the delicious adult beverage) has virtually destroyed what I love...what I do...what I am.  And it nearly killed me physically too and continues to wreak havoc on my body months after having it.  But that's a story for another blog, or one you've probably followed on my FB page.  I've done some Zoom stuff.  I'm writing a screenplay with some really talented friends.  I have some projects lined up which may happen (fingers crossed).  But none of it is what I do when I like myself.  Not really.  

And we don't know if theatre will ever be back.  When this virus has been beaten, what will our world look like?  What kind of things will make people go sit in a room together and watch people onstage again?  I don't know.  It's been a year since I've been in a full length play.  7 months since I did a one act.  Five months since I was in rehearsal for "Almost, Maine."  For 40 years I've known what I would be doing next...next week, next month, next summer...the next project.  I knew I would be happy.  

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