2020 too

 I haven't put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard since my last show closed. That is mainly because I don't have a next show. Or rather, I did have a next show, but it got cancelled because of COVID. I also was going to direct our Valentine's night at Little Fish, and that got canceled too. (Have you ever noticed that there are two ways to spell canceled that are both acceptable? What kind of shite is that?) Anyway, as most of my loyal five reader are aware, I was supposed to be starting "Grand Concourse" out in Palm Springs at DezArts right now. However, right before New Year's, their lovely Artistic Director called the entire cast to let us know in person that they had to push the first show because of COVID and cancel our show. It was very nice of him to call. But it was devastating. 

Look, I'm not going to complain about my career. I have had a really open lane for the 40 years I've been doing this. As a somemewhat attractive, cis-white male, I've had the luxury to be the casting default for my entire career. So, I'm not here to bitch about my lot in life... in general. But I am here to say, check on your theatre friends, because we aren't ok. And I know that I am quite intolerant of the anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers. But these variants wouldn't be popping up if everybody would have just done their part when they had the chance. So, yeah, I sort of hate everybody who isn't actively doing their part. I really hate those who are actively trying to stop masks and vaccines and spreading anti-vax nonsense. And maybe that makes me selfish. But, if the desire for nobody else to experience what I did having COVID is selfish, I guess I'm ok with that. It nearly took my life, and now it has basically taken the thing I live for. My lady, theatre.

My sister-in-law, Jenny, came to see the play I did in Santa Ana, and had a really insightful observation. She said to me, "theatre isn't just your livelihood, but it is so much more. It is your self-care. Your spiritual need. " I never really thought about it like that, but I do know that not having the next play lined up is suffocating me. I am so grateful to have done "The Nether," with Wayward Artists. I'm super proud that the show has been recognized in OC with many nominations, including one for me as best supporting performer. And so, I keep trying to count my blessings.  And they are numerous. I am healthy (for the first time since I was in my 20s), my family is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and food on our plates. I was able to work more than most during the beginning of the pandemic. Hell, I did Titus, Measure, Richard III, and Henry VI during that time, in addition to The Nether.  Not bad for a plague. I auditioned for Grand Concourse and crushed it and was cast to start...well, right now. And I know it seems whiny, but I'm really bummed that I don't get to play Frog. I feel that part was written for me to play, and channel my dad if he had made one different decision in his life.  

I also feel like I finally became a great auditioner. (Not on tape...I'm convinced I will never get cast for a self-tape). But, for the last few years, I've found my zone "in the room." Starting with "Picasso..." a few years ago, I've been able to go into a room and deliver what I envisioned in my head. Not just in the part, but also as my best actor-self. This happened for The Nether, and also for Grand Concourse. That sort of momentum is rare. No awkward casting calls, or bad reads. No misreading the room or misunderstanding an adjustment. Just being in it and able to be my best self. I can't even do that in life, but I had a stretch there where I could do it in the room.  And now, much like talking about a perfect game to the pitcher, I'm afraid that I'm doomed never to get that back. If there is a back. If theatre can come back and it still wants me.

I'm deeply depressed, my friends. I don't say this to elicit any sort of outreach. I have survived worse. I've lost a wife, a kidney, both my parents, and Keith, I had covid and long COVID, and to top it off, I was a Pirates fan for all their losing seasons. I have been thoroughly tested. But not knowing if and when I can act again is damaging on a whole different level. This is my soul. It is my mental and spiritual health. Without it, what am I? And I get it, I am aware of all that I have. I am a husband, father, brother, friend, compatriot. But without theatre, I'm not any of these fully because I am not whole.